Last night as I was falling asleep I did my usual fantasizing. I went on various tangents creating a perfect life for myself. These usually involve things that I think I’ve always wanted to do. Whether it be a professional writer, star athlete or just imagining how things might’ve been different had I not messed things up so badly with a girl from college. Most of my late night thoughts or day dreaming involve things that at one point in my life may have been relatively attainable. I never would’ve been a star basketball player but being a starter on my high school team was at least within reach had I put more effort in.
I seem to create all these scenarios in my head and think that they’ll just magically appear without me putting in any real work. As if the right person will come along and finally recognize how amazing I am. I don’t think I’ve ever accomplished something that didn’t come natural to me and when those things stopped coming so easy, I always got worse.
I think a lot about how I haven’t been in a real relationship since I was sixteen and even that only lasted a couple of months. Knowing what I know about myself is the kind of person that would be attracted to all of this really someone that I want to be involved with? The agenda for today is to go make a fool of myself on my neighborhood basketball court, do some more job hunting, and then try hard at work not to think of every customer as either a dollar sign or someone I’d send to hell if I had the ability to. We’ll see how it goes tonight.