Night one: I spent hours today thinking about the schedule that my boss sent me. I went to go see a movie with my dad, made a good meal with food that I didn’t pay for, woke up and went to bed in a big house in which I don’t pay rent, and I let that schedule ruin my day. I had multiple thoughts about wanting to burn the whole world to the ground, thought about how much I hated all the friends who have left me, and admitted to myself that despite all the advantages that my parents have provided for me, for the majority of the time I don’t enjoy being around them. I also thought about the times that I feel genuine love for my family and couldn’t recall the feeling.
This is because although I believe I am a good friend now in the sense that I try to be there whenever I can and I do genuinely want the people around me to feel good, I expect them to know everything about me that I don’t tell them. When I am ever minorly inconvenienced by someone close to me or feel anything short of perfection from that relationship, my first instinct is to imagine what they’re doing to spite me and put motives on people that I have no right to. It has never been my first thought to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. It takes me hours of thinking about how a person might be wronging me before I can even begin to think about what might be going on in their lives at the time or even to recognize the simple fact that I’m probably misinterpreting things. I’m finally coming to terms that I’m almost the perfect definition of a narcissist, and that not acknowledging this fact is certainly the source of my current state of depression, obesity and alcoholism (yes I’m a triple threat). In this I’m hoping that by being honest about the core of my actions being selfish, I can slowly start to put that part of myself aside. And as a side note while I might go back to fix something here and there, I want to edit this as little as possible just to get my raw thoughts out. Right now I have no idea if I’ll ever put this somewhere for other people to see, I’d for sure have to do it anonymously and creating a platform whereby I start to monitor how many views this gets seems a little counterproductive to the point of why I’m still typing.
My boss and I are the same age and she’s currently in an open relationship. We started out on the same level and I was always attracted to her, but never did anything about it because I was nervous about the workplace dynamic. Some time after she was promoted, she told me that she wanted to pursue a relationship outside of work but that she has a primary partner and that while our relationship could be more than just physical, she had no intentions of leaving her primary partner. Instead of being thrilled that this super cool and beautiful woman somehow saw something in me, I immediately created scenarios in my head about how if I could be good enough that I could push the primary partner out and that it could just be the two of us.
A few weeks ago, she hired a new employee who is definitely way more attractive than me. He’s my same height with no blemishes and that dude’s in shape. To top it off he’s super nice and even covered for me when I went on a two-day bender of drugs and alcohol. I told them I was having car trouble. Anyway, last Saturday night I was coming back to work to give her a ride home when I saw them hanging out (he closed) and he left by saying that they should hang out and she said that she’d probably see him tomorrow at the thing. After that she and I went to hang out at a bar for about an hour before I took her home. She doesn’t know that I’m back to going on benders, as far as I know she thinks I have one or two beers twice a week. We had a great time together. We laughed, and she asked me questions that no one’s asked me in a long time. All I could think about on my ride home was where were they possibly going to see each other tomorrow. Anyway, cut to today (and this whole weekend). Friday the three of us were hanging out at the end of work and she got a call, so she went back inside. She walked out quick to give him a hug while she was talking and my blood boiled when it wasn’t also extended to me. Now, he was leaving, she knew that I still had more work to do and that I wasn’t leaving yet. After I finished, she was still on the call and I wasn’t given the same “treatment” and it kept me up until about four in the morning. She and I are not dating, we have not had sex and she owes me absolutely nothing. If anything, I’m still deeply in her debt from the fact that she still talks to me after the times when we first knew each other, and she was given a show on how horrible my drinking habit can get. To make things even worse, I know who she was on the phone with and that it was important to her and that she was taking this call while still trying to complete the most math centered and careful portion of her job. But I didn’t get a hug goodbye so poor me.
Today (Sunday) when she sent out the schedule, I noticed that I won’t see her until Thursday and that on the days we work together she has him closing with her instead of me. She knows that I don’t enjoy closing, she gave me double his hours, and she also knows that I’m picking up extra time at another store because I’m trying to move out. And perhaps most importantly, it doesn’t matter if none of those reasons mattered and that she made the schedule that way so that she could spend more time with him instead of me. I wanted to make myself seem like the shit in my head so bad that I forgot her primary partner, WHO SHE LIVES WITH, knows about me and the new guy, knows about other guys that we don’t, and that she knows about all the girls that he’s hitting up as well. In case you were wondering I just found my ego pretty far up my own ass.
I hope that all these “entries” or whatever they’re called aren’t this long every time, but I have a lot of self-importance disguised as self-loathing to work through, so we’ll see what happens.