Work was very slow today. When work gets slow I tend to either day dream about the way certain scenarios would have played out if I had changed my actions at the time. As this happens I usually end up furious at myself for being such an idiot (which is true) but that’s not a feeling that needs to be intensified right now. This inevitably leads me to the other option which is that I just get extremely cranky. I’m conscious enough to not express that visually or verbally to any coworkers or customers but I definitely give off a bit of an aura where it’s painfully obvious how hollow my politeness and courtesies are.
I had a feeling that it would be slow tonight so I brought a book to distract me from going down those paths. Well I guess it’s really only one destination but I get there different ways. I actually finished the book and absolutely loved it. It’s called The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I bought it because it’s always been a secret dream of mine to become a writer but I’ve never been able to pull the trigger and start to write various ideas that I’ve had. The book got me to start writing today and it also gave me a lot of insight to thoughts that come into my head, be them negative or positive. I’ve been in this place before though and stopped after less than a week so I’m going to try to read a chapter or so a day to really hammer home the point.
There was one customer who came in that absolutely infuriated me for a time. He came in on a speaker phone conversation and walked right up to the counter and didn’t even make eye contact when I said hello. He stood there for a few minutes in the way of other customers until he finished his call. After he was helped and was going through his stuff he would yell out every time he wanted something else from across the store and made no effort to get up. I imagined putting his head through the window every time I heard his voice. He was in and out in about fifteen minutes and after a while I realized how funny his behavior was. I need to be able to recognize that in the moment.
When I was playing basketball I caught myself hustling for a missed shot and standing in place then walking over after a made one. It happened maybe two more times in an hour and I’ll have to see where else I’m doing that in my life. The big part of the workout though was that in the distance I saw a kid that used to be my best friend until about sophomore year of high school. I don’t think he saw me though. He’s always lived in this neighborhood and my parents just moved here. I ditched him to be more full time (not sure what else to call it) with friends that I thought I had more in common with. He’d actually been ditched by the same group before but that’s for a different time. He was never once mean to me and is still great and friendly whenever I’ve seen him since.
I know why my friends left me. They saw how toxic I was before I did. And it still sucks and makes me cry if I think about it too long. I still have this feeling of hate towards them but I at least know that I’m wrong to feel that way. I ditched this kid for no other reason than to be with other people and never even made up an excuse as to why we weren’t hanging out anymore, I just left. When I see those kids at a bar or somewhere I avoid them as best I can. And here’s this kid who by all accounts should hate me even more and he’s never once hesitated to come up and say hi even with his new group of friends that he made later on in school, and he’s always offered for me to join them. I need to apologize at some point but right now I think I’d just be trying to make myself feel better.