There were two moments today that I really want to focus on. They both revolve around my manager again which is another thing that I really want to work on. She has become a significant part in my life but the amount that I put on her in my own head is super unfair and I’m sure she’d be mortified if she found out. Again that’s the whole point of starting this though. Hopefully the more I talk about how absurd it is I’ll finally really take it to heart and have some normal feelings.
The first is related to her but involves only something that I did. She has today off and I was talking with one of the newer employees. He asked me about different stuff about the store and he eventually asked me how she compares to past managers. I didn’t hesitate to sing her praises but for some god damn reason when I was done I felt the need to add that I’m very glad I said no when I was asked to be the manager. I am very glad that I said know. It seemed like more stress than I wanted, I don’t enjoy being too involved with the next higher up and if I had said yes I never would’ve been able to develop whatever you call what’s going on between me and the new manager. However, none of those are the reasons why I said that. I said so because I wanted to establish that I could very well be in her position and to make myself feel more important during a slow night. Without thinking I completely undermined and minimized someone that I really care about. She’s also one of three that I can truly say it’s a mutual relationship. When I realized what I did I decided to bury myself in a book for the rest of the night.
The second is something that made me feel good but I still think is problematic in the long run. We were texting back and forth last night and then I made a joke and she never replied. After about an hour passed I could feel myself falling right back into the whole dependence thing and wondering why she couldn’t see how hilarious I was. About mid day today she replied in a way that indicated she found it very amusing and said that she fell asleep last night. It lit up my day. Right now though this is me deciding my entire mood based on other people confirming what I think about myself.
And it just so happens that as I write this I’m trying very hard to fight off a few thoughts. The first is that she’s told me that she almost never goes to bed that early and that the reason I was working last night (I’m usually off) was to cover for the other guy at work she’s friends. He took a trip to the mountains and now I’m wondering if she went with him. Once again I have absolutely nothing to base this on and if anything I should be encouraging her to go after someone way more attractive and sane than I am. Also I hardly know the guy except for how nice he’s been to me and he could be going through something way worse than the bullshit I started in my own head. I’ve decided that whenever I go down this rabbit whole I need to say the words “You are using her as a tool to validate you, you care about her and you value her opinion but you are using her to make you feel good,” out loud.