Not too much to report today in terms of good or bad for how I reacted to things. I did get stung by a wasp on my way to the other store though which really pissed me off. If there’s anyone out there whose immediate reaction to being stung isn’t thinking about how much it hurt them than please send them my way (as if anyone’s reading this).
I did think a lot about why I my thoughts spiral so often. I know that the spiral is always somehow related to how things are affecting me specifically but I want to get to the source of why I do that in the first place. I did come up with one pretty solid answer but I’ll need to collect some more data the next time I go down this path.
While I openly admit to how ignorant I am about so many things, because of my educational background there’s a huge part of me that wants to think that I’m way smarter than I really am. I was always told I was on the “gifted” path in elementary school, mostly just because I could read well. In middle school I was a grade ahead in math. This wasn’t anything special though there were more than 10 classes dedicated to those ahead in math. It was about a 60-40 split between those in normal to those ahead. I started high school in the IB program taking all honors classes but stopped after one year because fuck that. Afterwards though I usually did well in my honors classes and most of my teachers were shocked if I got below a B on an assignment let alone a whole class.
I think it’s hard for teachers to separate truly gifted kids from ones who can just read and write well. In my honors classes I met the kids who were truly gifted and they made me feel like a monkey. There was an ease to which they understood subjects like chemistry and calculus that was very awe inspiring. Don’t get me wrong they worked extremely hard too but the difference in what we could finish in the same amount of time was substantial.
So I always knew that I was just someone who could read/write well but this didn’t make a difference for me until I got to college. Suddenly I couldn’t get by anymore with fancy sentence structure. I knew it wasn’t true but I was told I was “gifted” for so many years that I really wanted to believe it, and a part of me still does.
I think how that manifests itself currently is that when small things happen to me I think I’m smart enough to take other small things and piece together the only logical conclusion. I’ve been wrong so many times that I’ve proven beyond a doubt that I’m not one of those gifted kids. I’ve thought that my best friend wanted nothing to do with me and that the really pretty friend of a friend was in to me. Again this is just my current leading theory but I think at my core I so want to be one of those kids that I’m deploying that fraudulent part of myself into trying to read between the lines of a text message or interpreting someone’s body language. Great.