This will be long.
Today was a rough one. The day itself went fine but shit hit the fan at the end of work. I was closing with my manager and we had had a great shift. Talked like usual, laughed and business went great. She had told me that she was going out with friends tonight so I knew that she probably had a ride but I asked anyway and she confirmed. I finished my stuff and came up front and when I turned the corner the other employee was standing right there hanging out. He was off today. She said earlier this week that she didn’t really have time to hang out which I understood but I guess it just hurt that it was because she wanted to hang out with him instead. I knew this going in. She told me that we weren’t going to end up being more. I guess deep down, after all the time we’ve spent together having fun I wanted it to be different. I’m being unfair again. She doesn’t know that I haven’t had a real relationship in seven years. She doesn’t know how much of a mess I am inside. I haven’t told her at all.
I think that I’ve completely forgot what it’s like to be in a relationship. For a minute I thought that I felt that here but maybe I’ve just chased so many people away I forgot what it’s like to be with friends on a regular basis. That’s my own fault I’m not trying to get sympathy there it’s just a fact. I also have to remember that even though I see her all the time and it feels like something more, most of the time we’re just at work. I drive her home a lot, well I guess I used to, but even that was me asking if she needed a ride. She never once asked me for one.
Anyway, I left the two of them at the store saying that I’ll see them tomorrow. Oh fuck. It’s all three of us working tomorrow. I have no idea how the hell I’m going to get through that. Especially knowing that she has him closing not me. Problem for tomorrow. Back to tonight. I left quick because truth be told if I had to talk anymore than answering him when he asked me how I was doing I might’ve been reduced to a puddle right then and there. Instead I sped off and let some tears out on the drive home. I wanted nothing more than to go to the liquor store. I tried calling two of my friends but they didn’t answer. I went to the park to walk around the lake a few times. When I first pulled up I felt the same way I felt the second time that I tried to kill myself. And that was the time that I really tried tried. I know it’s stupid that I got this low over something that I knew could happen eventually. She’s told me about other guys but this is the first one that also worked with us. I sometimes lie to her about going on a date with another girl so it doesn’t seem like she’s the only one. I really need to stop that.
So I just started walking. For about ten minutes I didn’t know what I wanted more, a bottle or a gun. Luckily I had neither close by. But I started talking to myself. At first I was saying the mantra, “you’re just using her as a tool to validate yourself, you care about her and you value her opinion but that isn’t why you’re feeling this way, you want her to stroke your ego.” I must’ve been a sight to behold. 6’4″ chunky dude crying and screaming into his hands about why his boss who has a boyfriend of five years and is in an open relationship hitting up another employee that isn’t me isn’t a reason for me to go on a bender and kill myself. Yes that was a horrendous sentence but just let me have this one.
I eventually reached diminishing returns with the mantra so I kept reminding myself that drinking tonight, especially in the condition I was in was a terrible idea. About two miles in I reminded myself that I’m only five days in to this whole trying to be a better person thing. I know that this was a really small thing that set me off but relative to my current mindset I told myself that this was a test. One of the worst possible things that could happen (in my mind) happened less than a week in. If I can make it tomorrow without a hangover and have at least a few moments where I recognize how absurd I’m being then I can really make some progress. The second lap most of what I said was, “I’ll be okay,” or, “I’m going to beat this(me).” I got myself to the point where I knew I wasn’t going to the liquor store and suicide was off the table. Admittedly though I got off the suicide bandwagon after the first fifteen. Had I drank though it probably would’ve been back on tomorrow when I woke up and saw the calls that I made to her.
I talked to myself the whole ride home and even though I’m still sad I got through a chat with my parents know suspicion raised. My friend texted me though seeing if everything is okay and even though I told him I was fine he all but made me call him. Minus the suicide stuff I told him everything I just wrote and after about the third, “I’m sorry” he told me to stop and that he always wants to help when I get to this point, even before. He knows that I’ve tried to get sober but just like myself, he trusted me too much. I’ll go on some bender, get sober for a while and then slowly start to think that I can have one or two beers with friends and the next thing I know I’m in a different state with meth and heroin in my system having spent all of the money that I was saving to get my own apartment. Yes that was last week.
He knows all of that about me and still wants to be my friend. We only met three years ago. My college roommate invited him and another friend up for one of our parties. He must be the bravest dude I know. I was with my old best friends for over ten years and even they decided that they had had enough. I don’t blame them of course. But they decided they were done with me after just one night when they saw what I had become and that was it.
I’ve put him and his girlfriend through fucking hell. So many nights where I woke up the next morning preparing myself to be alone again. We don’t see each other all the time because of our schedules but they keep coming back. They’re both really good people but I used to think they were stupid. I thought they were seeing something in me that wasn’t there. I think they’re just so much kinder than me I can’t comprehend. I’m ashamed to say that I’m not sure I’d have stuck around if the roles were reversed. I like to think I would have but I’ve abandoned people for less. If those two still see a part of me worth befriending, and I can make it to tomorrow sober, maybe I’m not all that bad. I just have to keep working at it, and stop blaming people for things I know are my fault. I probably won’t get much sleep tonight but I’ll take it over being drunk and passed out. I’m still sad but it’s going to be okay.