Today was interesting. I did make it through last night sober. Hallelujah. Was up until about four in the morning but hey, it’s the little wins. I stayed positive all through my work out and when my mind started to drift I reeled it back in. I was really nervous for my shift tonight with all three of us (plus two more). With my reaction last night I just knew it had the potential to go awry. Surprisingly though aside from about one or two times I didn’t think about it at all. I definitely noticed how flirtatious he was being but it honestly didn’t really bother me. Every time I had to go run a shipment from the warehouse I made sure I had calm music playing. Usually songs that I know all the words to so that I could distract myself by singing along. The couple of times that it did get to me a bit I just had to verbally say that I’m fine along with my mantra a couple of times, a few deep breaths and my heartbeat was back to normal.
Even though I had that part in check for some reason I just felt like their was a shade over me the whole time. I’m not even sure if I felt sad, just hollow. However I felt, it must’ve been obvious because she asked me if I was okay. I said that I was but I guess she knows me better than that. I obviously couldn’t say that any part of it had anything to do with her and him but honestly I don’t think it did. She knows part of my mental struggles. Later on she pulled me aside, gave me a hug, and told me that she loved me. I was pretty taken aback. I feel love from my two other friends but it’s never been explicitly stated. She’s the first one who’s not my family to say that to me in a long time. She could tell I was struggling with it a bit so she said, “sorry if that’s too much right now. I love her too. I said it back. And now that it’s been said I know that it’s a friendship kind of love, and it makes me happy. I think I might’ve just been skating around trying to figure out my feelings towards her for too long. I overanalyzed it all and got myself tied up in a knot. She really is amazing, I’m lucky she’s in my life.
It makes yesterday seem even more stupid. I’m not saying that I still won’t get a little jealous from time to time but at least now I have definitive proof how crazy I’m being here. I still have so long to go, but I think it’s all going to be okay.